All Hail the Heartbreaker
by erynn8787
Summary: When Meredith and Derek lose everything and tragedy strikes one of them, how do they cope? MerDer angst and happy MD end
1. Chapter 1

Dying sucked. Really seriously…sucked. But what sucks worse is fate's love of fucking with my life all the time. Because not only have I died and come back to life, but now Derek and I were over. The one thing I come back for and it was now gone. Well, at least it seems that way. You see, he's dating some whore of a nurse now. They supposedly kissed in a scrub room. Then he supposedly asked her out. Oh wait did I mention that I told him before said date with said whore nurse, that I told him I didn't want him seeing other people? Yeah…he doesn't seem to remember either.

I told him that I was trying. I told him that I was scared to lose him, but scared to want him all at the same time. Chief told me that being afraid of something means you still have something to lose. Well, thanks a fucking lot Chief, cause guess what…I lost it. I lost the one thing that mattered to me anymore. So guess what…its drinking time.

I'm sitting alone in Joe's with nothing but the pyramid of shot glasses in front of me. Joe keeps shooting me worried glances every 3 seconds; seriously I'm not going to drown myself in the shot glass. Drowning myself in tequila, however, is the main MO. I gesture at Joe for another shot, but he shakes his head at me.

"Joe, seriously. I'm fine. You don't need to be my watch dog," I say without slurring, which is a feat in itself.

"Meredith you've practically downed the bottle. What's that saying with tequila shots again?"

I roll my eyes, "Tequila. In. Glass. Now," I shake the empty shot glass at him. He frowns as he pours me another. Good ole reliable Joe. He's always been there for me.

"Hey Mer, are you alright? Now I know you're going to tell me that you're fine, but seriously? All this," he gestures to my handiwork with the shot glasses, "So not fine."

I nod slowly.

"Yeah definitely not fine Joe. So…not….fine," I mumble incoherently. He looks at me expectantly.

"Okay so you know that nurse he's been making googly eyes at? Yeah apparently he has a thing for her. They kissed in the fucking scrub room Joe! She's his scrub slut! I was the dirty mistress or…hmm…the whore and she's the scrub slut," I pause for a minute. The tequila's finally making itself known and I can't remember my point.

"Shit Joe…I totally lost where I was going with this."

"That Derek and Rose are dating? Yeah I know, they've been in here a few times on dates."

I bring my fist down forcefully on the bar, making my shot glass pyramid tumble out of formation.

"Derek brought her here?! This is OUR place! Seriously?!"

"Yeah you've definitely had enough Mer. But yes, he's brought her here once or twice."

"Please Joe, just give me them. I really really need it," I give him a pleading look. He acquiesces, lines up 3 glasses, and pours them for me.

"That's all you're getting," he holds up the empty bottle, "and I'm fresh out."

I drink all 3 back in rapid succession, leaving me a little off kilter. I regain my composure in time to see Satan's new whore come strolling through the door. She has a huge grin plastered to her face, exposing her overly large front teeth. I bite my tongue as I turn back towards Joe. He nods his head towards the end of the bar. I give him a confused look.

"Seriously look down Meredith."

I look and there's a jagerbomb set up. I haven't done one of these since college. I drop the shot in the glass and drink it back.

"Who?" He gestures towards the end of the bar again. Okay, I'm clueless when I'm drunk. I look down and my mind fogs over. It always does this when cute guys buy me drinks or when I'm completely obliterated.

The guy is…wow. Really wow. And I thought Derek was good looking. This guy was so much better looking. He has wavy sandy blonde hair and from what I can tell, dark green eyes. I hop off my stool and stumble towards him. He smiles at me and I can see he has adorable dimples and great teeth. This is going to be so hard to resist. Wait, no…I'm not resisting at all. Derek's moved on and so will I.

"So…do you wanna get out of here?"

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I open my eyes slowly; I'm scared at what I may find. I look over and there is….oh shit I forgot his name. I really need to write their names on my hand or something. He shifts in the bed as I move to cover my body in a sheet. I roll off the side of the bed and he turns to face me. He has a wide grin on his face.

"That was fun. You should come back down here and we can pick up where we left off."

I cringe at that response. It was the same thing Derek said to me the morning after.

"I need to go to work. So uhh I'm going to shower and when I get back you won't be here. So goodbye…" Shit this is so embarrassing.

The smile fades a bit.

"Dylan."

"Right. Meredith."

He smiles again. He really does have a nice smile. I shake myself mentally and force myself to kick him out.

"Bye Dylan," I say shaking his hand and smiling. Maybe that'll get him to leave faster.

"See ya Meredith."

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No sooner do I step out of the shower that Izzie corners me. She's got her arms folded against her chest and she's shaking her head at me. What did I do wrong? I mean all I did was go get drunk and bring home a boy. It's not like I haven't done this before, she should know the routine.

"What the hell are you doing Meredith?"

"Well I just showered. And now you're talking to me. So uhmm…I'm talking to you?"

"No! What are you doing with the hot boy that just left?!"

"Oh well, I don't really remember what I did with said hot boy. It's in bits and flashes, but I had an orgasm. So I guess I was having sex with him," I say bluntly.

She sighs loudly and storms away. I shrug my shoulders and go back into my room to get ready for work.

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God hates me. Or maybe it's just Derek's way of making me bitter and pissed off; I'm on his service today. Seriously, you do not request your ex girlfriend for surgeries…ever. I try to hide out in the locker room for a few more minutes when Izzie comes barreling in.

"McDreamy's looking for you Mer."

I glare at her.

"What?"

"McDreamy? I really don't think that should be his name anymore. And I'm not going to say the one in my head, it's not appropriate for the hospital."

She laughs lightly before walking out. I draw in a deep breath before getting up to go find him. I traipse off towards the elevators, which is probably a horrible idea, but whatever.

The doors open and I step inside. Thankfully its empty and I breathe a sigh of relief. But suddenly a hand appears between the doors as they're closing, a hand I recognize. I groan inwardly and focus intently on the numbers alerting the floors.

I feel him move immediately behind me and hear him breathe in deeply. I can feel the anger surging up and I repress it. He reaches around and grabs my wrist. And before I know what the hell is going on, he pins me against the wall of the elevator, his lips crushing mine. The hand that doesn't have a death grip on my wrist soon finds itself making its way under my scrub top. I groan in protest, but his tongue immediately slips into my mouth. I know I should stop, but with his hand slowly creeping along my ribcage like that, it's extremely hard to think.

The ding announcing our arrival to the intended floor makes us come back to reality. I put an angry look on my face and push him off me.

"Seriously?! You have got to be fucking kidding me Derek! You ended this, remember? No more kissing in elevators. No more break up sex. No more us! Don't you understand?!" I say as I storm off the elevator.

"Dr. Grey, you're on my service today, remember?" He says quietly.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Of course Dr. Shepherd, how could I forget?" I say sweetly as I turn around.

Today was going to be a very long day. A very long day indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

I am so screwed. So fucking screwed. I walk with Derek, or rather, a few steps behind him, towards the patient's room. He's briefed me on the patient. Mr. Curran is 53 and has a Glioblastoma multiforme in his occipital region. It was likely that with surgery to remove the tumor, he would die. His odds either way sucked and he was taking a risk and was having the surgery.

"Meredith…" he's facing me now. I shake my head at him as I train my eyes on the floor. I can't look at him, because I know if I do…those eyes will suck me in.

"Derek please, just leave me alone. I don't want to do this anymore, alright? I'm too hurt and it's too hard. Just…request Izzie or something," I say as I take off in the opposite direction.

I hear footsteps coming up fast behind me. I sigh before turning around. I face him and make the mistake of staring him down. His eyes are soft and remorseful. I break the eye contact and look past him.

"Mer we need to talk. Please?" He says as he heads off towards a conference room. I'm rooted to the spot for a moment before I reluctantly follow.

I close the door and see him sitting down. I sit across from him, but 2 seats down so we're diagonal from each other.

"You wanted to talk Derek, so talk. Even though I don't want to hear anything you say," I mutter.

"What do you want me to say Meredith?! You weren't ready and I found someone who was ready. You can't be mad at me for that."

"Jesus Christ Derek! I thought I was the love of your life?! You only get one of those…ever. You were the guy that…whatever. It doesn't matter what I say anymore. You aren't my boyfriend, you aren't my anything anymore. I don't need to communicate with you. You don't get to know all the intricacies of my life anymore Derek. You ended this by dating the woman after Sydney. I'm done. It's over, please stop chasing me and let me be happy. Or content because God knows I can't be happy ever again. Goodbye Derek," I say as I storm out of the room.

I find Bailey and tell her that I'm sick and need to go home. She hesitates, then groans and allows me to leave. I need to get the hell out of this hospital. I need to get away from Derek.

---------------------------------------------

I watch as she slams the door shut. The sound of the bang not only hurts my ears, but my heart as well. She's just closed the door to our relationship. I know I was stupid for asking all those things of her, but I had hoped that it would light a fire under her ass and help her commit. That definitely blew up in my face. I couldn't love Rose like I love Meredith. I press the heels of my palms to my eyes and groan loudly. I contemplate throwing the chair clear across the room, but I settle for pushing myself back from the table forcefully, causing the chair to slam against the wall. My pager starts going off, it's Mr. Curran.

As I'm heading off to his room I grab O'Malley. He seems reluctant to come with me, but oh well I am his boss. Mr. Curran is seizing and I decide that the surgery can't wait any longer.

"O'Malley go book an OR this needs to come out right now."

"Yes sir," he mutters before shuffling off.

My mind keeps going back to that conference room. She said we were done. I had told her before that this thing with us was finished, but then we had dirty hot sex at prom. I'm really hoping that she didn't mean what she said, but that's the optimistic side. And Meredith never tends to be optimistic, so I know she meant what she said.

I watch as Mr. Curran is wheeled off to pre-op. I linger in the room a minute and gather myself before heading to the scrub room. I scan the OR board, trying to see if Meredith was assigned to someone else's service, but her name's nowhere to be seen. I run my fingers through my hair and then I realize that I've been pacing. I can't believe how big of an ass I've been. I should've waited for her. I'd do anything for her, I'd wait forever…but I did it to hurt her. I did it to goad her into the relationship thing, the forever thing.

I make my way to the scrub room slowly, methodically. Each step is precise, much like my surgical techniques, and I see Rose ahead of me entering the room. I breathe in deeply before pushing the door open.

"Hey baby. How are you today?" She gives me a quick kiss. I close my eyes at the pet name. Meredith and I never ever used them, it wasn't us. But Rose calls me every fucking pet name in the book which makes my blood boil each time one tumbles out of her mouth.

"I'm fine."

Oh God…I did not just use Meredith's word. I run my hand through my hair before scrubbing in. She stands there a second longer, seeing if I have anything else to say, but when I say nothing she goes into the OR.

I hear the whoosh of the door and I look up to see O'Malley. His face is blanched and before I go to ask what's wrong, I hear the distinct beep of asystole.

"Shit," I murmur as I scrub harder and faster. I run into the OR and Rose helps me get into a gown. I snap on the gloves and make my way over to Mr. Curran, they're shocking him, but there's no response.

"What the hell did you do?" I direct to no one in particular.

"We just put him under and he started coding."

They're shocking him at 360 and still no rhythm. His prognosis wasn't good to begin with and I think that it's somewhat pointless to continue to resuscitate him. I look up and someone's reading over his chart and I see their eyes glance up sadly.

"He's DNR."

Everyone just stops and it seems like slow motion. I look up at the clock and sigh.

"Time of death 11:42," I say sadly and leave the OR. I scrub out before Rose can question me. I run down to an on call room and crash on the bed. Emotions get the best of me and a few tears slide slowly down my cheeks. I lay back and stare up at the top bunk. A million things are going through my head and I start to lose focus. I bring my hand to my eyes and wipe away the tears. I never cry. The last time I cried was the last time I lost her. When she drowned and I thought she was gone forever and she would never know how I truly felt. I punch the top bunk forcefully and roll onto my side. How did things get this way? We were so happy. I sigh loudly and try to go to sleep, something that's been eluding me for the past week. I drift into an uneasy and fitful sleep, but I soon hear the shrill beeping of my pager.

I groan as I reach for it. My heart stops as I read it.

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**Insert dramatic music here. And maybe a "dun dun dun." Alright I'm glad everyone's enjoying this!! I'm enjoying writing it hehe, in all it's dark and twisty glory. Me thinks I love reviews **


	3. Like you'll never see me again

I can't move. I literally cannot move. The beeping of my pager is haunting me as I grasp it tightly in my hand. As I get up and try to move, my feet feel as if they are concrete and I go into auto pilot as I make my way down to the pit. I feel sick to my stomach as I receive another page….

**Brief in conference room 2**

What does that mean? Brief? How bad is the situation that we'd all need to be briefed on it? I don't want to be made aware of the severity of the situation; I want to go down to trauma. My breath hitches in my throat as I see everyone already waiting in the conference room. Chief's face looks solemn as he's talking. I sigh before turning the door knob and walking into the room. Everyone turns to me, their faces pale and grim. I feel cold as I look at them. Like all the happiness has been sucked out of me. I bring my eyes slowly to Chief and what I see is emptiness.

"How bad is it Richard?" My voice cracks as I await the answer.

He shakes his head. "Not good I'm afraid," it sounds hollow to me. I immediately glance at Cristina, who has tears streaming down her face, and I know. I know instantly how bad things are. Cristina didn't even cry when Meredith drowned. My pulse starts to race and I feel dizzy. I brace myself against the wall and try to catch my breath.

"Derek…"

I bite back the sob, "What?!"

"She's going to need emergency surgery. And um, I don't know how to put this, but uhh she has you down to make decisions."

My heart stops. That means I have to be, for lack of a better word, her person. I look at Cristina again and her eyes are squeezed shut.

"What happened to her?"

Everyone looks at each other, trying to decide who should tell me. Bailey's mouth opens, but then shuts. I feel someone's hand squeeze my shoulder and I know immediately who it is as I hear them begin talking.

"She was on her way home and we don't know if she ran a red light or the other guy did. But the car flipped 3 times and landed on its roof. She was trapped inside for about an hour before anyone could even get her out. She's got a lot of injuries Derek. She's bleeding internally and from the CT scans…she's um…." He swipes his hand over his face and pauses.

"Derek she has intraventricular hemorrhaging."

I feel as if my entire world comes crashing down. I'm buried in the wreckage for a minute before I realize it. Most patients with IVH…don't make it.

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"Derek…Derek…"

I hear someone's voice through the fog and I snap back to reality. I look around and everyone's expressions are the same: empty and hopeless. I run my fingers through my hair and sigh deeply.

"I need to see her."

"Derek…" Bailey's voice is soft, "she's in an induced coma. She's really beat up."

"I don't care. I need to see her," I say more adamantly. Bailey nods and leads the way to her trauma room. I hear the sounds of our steps resounding in the hallway. It's the only thing I hear other than the pounding of my heart. And the only thing I see is the page screen and that message…

**MVC…serious head trauma…Grey…trauma 2**

I thought pulling her out of the bay was more harrowing than anything in the world. But…that doesn't even come close to the emotions coursing throughout my body now. I know that I can't save her like I did when she drowned and that absolutely terrifies me. Losing Meredith…I don't even want to imagine what life would be like without her here.

I hear a pager begin going off and Bailey stops in front of me. I hear her gasp slightly before turning to me. There's something in her eyes that scares me.

"Derek…she needs emergency surgery. She needs it right now to relieve the intracranial pressure. If she doesn't have surgery now…she'll…um..."

"Die. I know Miranda," I hang my head and run my hand through my hair.

"Who's doing the surgery?"

She's silent for a minute then she mumbles something.

"Who? Miranda please just tell me."

"They're having Dr Connor perform it."

I shake my head forcefully, "No. He will not be operating on her. I can't have him do it. He's not the best. I'm the best and I should be doing it."

"Derek no. Even if you are the best…Richard won't allow it. He won't risk it."

"She has an intraventricular hemorrhage…statistically…she'll die. I need to perform the operation because she can't die. I need to do all I can to save her life. I had to sit outside her trauma room last time and watch everyone else save her. I need to save her, I need to let her know that I haven't given up on her…on us. I'm down as her next of kin and I get to make the decisions. This is a decision Bailey…this is a huge decision. Please?"

She sighs, "Have you read her chart?"

"No I didn't get a chance to see it…why?"

She looks around and then back at me.

"Derek she's DNR."

It takes a minute or two before those words sink in.

"Yes but she was DNR when she drowned too. I didn't see any of you ease up and let her go. I will not watch her die, I won't have it. It's my job as a surgeon to make sure my patients make it. I will do everything I can to be sure she lives. Can I go see her before I go talk to Richard?"

She nods, "Room 2."

"Thanks," I murmur before continuing to her room. I linger outside a minute to gather myself. I can't show weakness, I can't be negative. I walk through the threshold and the sight takes my breath away.

_I'd be wishing you were here_

_To be everything that I'd be looking for_

_I don't wanna forget the present is a gift_

_And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me_

'_Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed_

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**I know these updates have been super short and sucky, but I've been crazy busy with work this week. And I go back to school next week and I have clinical observations at the hospital by school...blahh. So I guess updates will be less frequent. But I still love the reviews, they encourage me to write! **


	4. I can't go home without you

_I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen_

_She left before I had the chance to say (Oh)_

_The words that would mend the things that were broken_

_But now it's far too late, she's gone away_

My body instinctively tenses up as I look at her. She's on a ventilator and she just looks so…broken. Physically I can see her pain, eyes are swollen shut, her face is unrecognizable, and I can see the broken bones. I feel the tears well up in my eyes, but I will them back, I can't cry. Crying means that I've given up and I can't do that –not yet. There is still a small glimmer of hope that she'll wake up; that this will be another notch on her near death belt. I sit in the chair next to her bed and take her hand. It's warm, but clammy. I look down and her knuckles are black and blue, I caress them gently.

"Mer…God I am so sorry. I know that you'd tell me that it wasn't my fault, but it was. It was my fault that you left in such a rush and I'm sorry for everything. I pressured you so much and now here you are. If I could be the one lying there and in a coma with an IVH trust me, I'd do it in a second to take your pain away. I know I shouldn't care because I'm not your boyfriend anymore, but I can't help but to care. You're the love of my life and I don't care what you think. If you weren't…I probably wouldn't feel as shitty or guilty as I do right now.

Or did you do this purposely? You told me goodbye Mer. I don't know what to think so I won't accuse you like I did last time. But here's the thing…I won't ever say goodbye to you again. We weren't over Meredith. I'm not over you. Rose, she isn't you. She may be the woman after Sydney, but there is no other woman for me other than you, Meredith Grey. And looking at you right now, you've never been more beautiful to me. Which you're probably giggling about wherever you are right now. Yes I'm giving you the McDreamy look, the one that makes you weak in the knees, the one that turns your brain to mush, and the one that makes your heart skip a beat. Yeah I know what it does to you.

They have Connor operating on you, but I want to. Bailey says I should talk to Richard and I should go do that now. But…I can't leave you," a few stray tears slide down my cheeks and I feel her grip tighten on my hand. I slowly look at her face, but her eyes are still closed.

"Alright Mer, I take that squeeze to mean that it's okay to leave. I promise you Meredith that if I do operate on you, I will save you this time. I love you," I bring her hand to my lips and I kiss her knuckles before leaving her room.

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_I cannot believe that he told me he found someone who was ready. All I want as I run to the resident's locker room is to get the hell out of there. My heart was breaking with each step closer to the exit. Whatever, he can have his fucking nurse. I don't care; however, Mark might. Hmm, maybe I should sleep with Mark, maybe then he'll see the error of his ways. But that's doubtful, he's so blinded by the love, or the love he thinks he has for Rose. Gag me…what the fuck kind of name is Rose anyway? I mean seriously she's nothing more than another nurse clamoring over Dr. McDreamy. _

_I get into my car and I break down. The walls I've built up, the ones I so painstakingly established—come tumbling down. As soon as the first few tears fall…they continue coming. It's like I've opened a freaking flood gate. For the first time in our roller coaster relationship, I know that we're finally done. There will be no more us. Done. Caput. I start the car, which is probably a bad idea with all the crying, but I can't stay here another second. Maybe I'll go to Joe's and dull the pain. But even Joe's holds significance to what we were—it's where we met. _

"_Fuck it," I say as I slam my hands on the steering wheel. I'll just go home. I'll go to the liquor store to get some tequila and then I'll drink myself into a stupor there. _

_The light ahead of me turns red and I bring the car to a stop. I hear my phone ringing from its location in my purse. As I fish it out I hear a car honk. I look up briefly, seeing that the light has now turned green, without totally paying attention I press my foot to the accelerator. The next thing I know I hear a deafening crunch and then blackness._

_I'm vaguely aware in the ambulance, I know that I've flat lined at least twice. Each time I do I see my mother shaking her head at me, telling me to fight. That she didn't raise me to be a coward. So I fight. I know that it's bad…that everyone is probably devastated. I wonder if Derek even cares._

_So here I am in limbo yet again. Someone needs to discover a drug to eliminate this state, because it's so fucking annoying. Seriously. Denny's staring at me again. At least I didn't so this purposely. Well I didn't drown purposely either—I just…stopped fighting. But this time it's different. I'm not in an empty hospital, I'm standing in the corner of my hospital room._

_The scene before me is shocking. There's Derek sitting by my bed…holding my hand with tears streaming down his cheeks. I listen intently to what he's saying and again, I'm shocked. He's saying that he still loves me. That I am truly the love of his life. I see him cocking his head to the side as he tells the comatose me how he's giving me the "look." And I do giggle. But it doesn't come out as a giggle—it comes out as a muffled sob. I clench my fists as I feel a stronger sob coming, and I gasp when I see my hand clench his. That makes him get up to leave. I move to the threshold and he stops right in front of me. I reach forward and run my fingers through his hair; he shivers, and then continues walking. _

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I felt her presence in that room. I know that I did. It was as if she was standing right in front of me at the door; I could feel the electricity in the air between us. I need to find Chief. No, I _have_ to find the Chief. I practically power walk to his office and thank God he's sitting behind his desk. He raises his head from his hands and looks at me. I can see the desperation and hopelessness in his eyes.

"I need to operate on her. I can't let someone else do it. I have her life in someone else's hands, especially someone who isn't the best. I'm the best Richard…we both know that. I need to save her. I have to save her this time. Please," I plead.

He nods slowly as he straightens in his chair.

"Derek she needs to be just another patient when she's on your table. She can't be your girlfriend or whatever she may be to you; she _needs_ to be someone else. Pretend she's someone else…do whatever you need to so you don't see Meredith. I'm scrubbing in with you to assist," I go to protest but he raises his hand, "No Derek I am scrubbing in with you," he states persistently.

"Fine. We need to get this fixed right now. So let's go."

He nods and gets up to follow me.

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I see them wheel her into the OR as I'm scrubbing in. She looks so lifeless lying there. I shake my head and my thoughts and when I look back up, I don't see Meredith anymore. I see just another patient—a very important patient. I banned Rose from this surgery because it would be a conflict of interests for me and I know Meredith would feel betrayed. Richard is scrubbing in next to me, as is Mark. Mark's here because I know she wouldn't want a visible scar on her head. They both steal glances at me in between scrubs.

"Stop it. Stop looking at me like I'm going to break down at any second. I'm calm right now…please don't make me lose my edge," I glare at each of them respectively. I earn nods from them.

Just as I begin to rinse off the soap, I hear the worst sound I could ever hear: the sounds of the love of my life going into cardiac arrest.


	5. No Air

_But how do you expect me_

_To live alone with just me_

_Cause my world revolves around you _

_It's so hard for me to breathe_

I stand there in the scrub room helplessly. I look on as they start shocking her petite frame. After the third shock, her heart finally begins to beat again. I let out the breath I had unconsciously been holding and I walk into the OR. I close my eyes tightly and pretend that this isn't Meredith again. I draw in a deep breath as I take my place above her head. I see that they shaved her head to prep and that shakes me a bit. But I can't think about that right now, I need to focus on the task at hand, I need to save this person's life.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives, let's have some fun."

Halfway through she starts to code again. Mark takes up doing compressions and Richard runs to get the crash cart. I stand there—frozen. I can only be a spectator as Richard presses the paddles to her chest, making her jerk upwards, and while Mark tries to manually heave life into her.

The minutes pass on, with no change. They look at me with long faces, asking me what to do. I know that I shouldn't give up on her, that I can't let her just die that easily. I clench my jaw at them in response and they continue their futile efforts.

"Damnit Meredith do not do this! You hear me? You are not dying on my fucking table! You're not gonna die when the last thing you said to me was goodbye. You aren't. I don't give a shit that you're DNR, I don't. So whatever the fuck you're thinking…coding on us like this…isn't working. We all know your tactics Mer. You run when things get the least bit scary. Jesus you drowned because you thought you weren't good enough for your mother! No one can possibly meet Ellis Grey's ridiculous standards. So none of us are giving up on you. We won't honor your wishes because…you deserve better.

You deserve better than a shitty boyfriend who is constantly pressuring you into evolving. I do that because I know if I don't force you to grow then you won't ever be ready. The whole Rose thing…I didn't do it to hurt you. I…I didn't even see it coming to be honest. I was trying to get out of the scrub room and she moved in front of me and it just…sort of…happened. I know that's not an excuse, but it's the truth. Truth is…she could never be you. No one can be ready enough for me when…when you're the only one I want. If you're never 'ready'…it doesn't matter to me, as long as I can still be with you. I didn't lie when I said I want to grow old with you, I really do. I want to die in your arms…alright? Not you dying right here on my table.

It was painful to see you at Joe's…yeah I saw you at Joe's, as much as you tried to hide. I don't think you saw me though. I tried to be shady and sit in a dark corner. It would hurt to see you leave with different guys every night. But I know that it hurt you to sleep with them too when all you were doing was trying to find someone to fill the void that I left.

I've hurt you so much…so so much since I've known you. I wish that we could seriously go back to the first night at Joe's and I would tell you about Addison. Maybe then…maybe we'd be married and happy right now. Maybe you'd be pregnant with our first baby…the infamous baby that would make the Shepherd name go on.

But instead…I'm trying my damnedest to save your life. I'm trying so fucking hard Meredith and ya know what you're doing? You're fucking running in the opposite direction. So just stop…and…live. Just please live. Because I don't even know if I could handle a world without you in it. Please don't give up Meredith…don't give up on us."

I could feel the tears behind my eyes, waiting for me to blink so they could fall. I let them slide down my cheeks as I closed my eyes and prayed silently. All I wanted was for Mer to live…was that so hard to ask? I soon hear the answers to my prayers…the machines start beeping again.

"Derek…Derek…"

I look up and Mark is nodding at me. I continue the operation flawlessly. I motion for Mark to close her up and slowly step back from the table. That's when I break down. The tears flow freely down my face, wetting the surgical mask. As hard as I try to hold back the sobs…they rack my body and my shoulders shake with each one. I blindly walk towards the scrub room and once I'm inside…I collapse against the wall in a ball. I tear the mask away from my face and throw it as hard as I can.

I hear the door open and look up slowly. Mark and Richard are standing there giving me empathetic looks. I sigh loudly as Mark sits down next to me and squeezes my arm. This is exactly what he did when Meredith drowned.

"Hey man…she's gonna be alright. She's a dirty mistress…we never die," he says with a light chuckle.

I smile feebly back at him. I stand up carefully and pull off the surgical gown. I can feel both sets of eyes on me as I wash my hands. I look up at the now empty OR and let out a sigh of relief. The worst was seemingly over now.

-------------------------------------------

_Three days later…_

Meredith was still in the bed before me. It had been 3 days since her surgery and she hasn't woken up yet. The prognosis wouldn't be great if she didn't wake up by the end of the day. I had come in each day and talked to her, to reassure her that I was still here and wasn't going anywhere. She had gone down to get a CT everyday to make sure there was no additional bleeding after the surgery. And thankfully, each scan came back clean.

Cristina and everyone else would stop in as often as they could each day. I think this ordeal has been extremely hard on Cristina. When she comes in she gets very quiet and withdrawn and can hardly look at Meredith. I once saw her sobbing silently with her head on the end of the bed. I don't know what I can say to her…and I don't think she would appreciate someone calling her on the uncharacteristic show of emotion.

Richard has asked me to take a leave of absence to help her when she's out of the hospital. He knows that we're broken up, but I don't think he'd trust her with anyone else. I grasp her hand and squeeze it gently. I feel a faint squeeze back and I look at her face. Her nose scrunches up and her eyes open slowly.

"Meredith?"

Her eyes dart to me, but there's no recognition behind them. Her eyes get wide as she looks around. She coughs against the intubation and tears fall down her cheeks.

"Mer…hold on," I get up and press the nurse's call button. Soon Tyler and Bailey come in and take the tube out. She looks around at everyone in shock.

"Who…who are you people?" She asks in a raspy voice.

Her eyes then settle on me. She arches an eyebrow and bites her lower lip.

"Meredith it's us."

"I don't know you. What happened to me?"

My heart immediately deflates.

-------------------------

_I'm watching as the me in the bed wakes up. I know instantaneously that something about this isn't right. I shouldn't still be a spirit or angel or whatever. I see bed me look around in confusion at everyone in the room._

"_Damnit remember Derek!" I yell…but no one hears me. _

_I can only be a bystander as the body in the bed doesn't recognize Derek, Bailey, or Tyler. I feel tears streaming down my cheeks. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Derek didn't go anywhere near my temporal lobe, I should be fine. Maybe…just maybe this was temporary. I prayed to God that it would only be temporary. I have so many things to tell Derek. So many important things. And…and I need them to be said. _

_I walk slowly out of the room in a daze. I see Izzie, Alex, George, and Lexie running towards the room with hopeful looks on their faces. I wish I could get through to them and tell them not to go in the room. I don't want them to be crushed when I ask them who they are. I don't see Cristina with them and that kills me. Surely she got the page…or maybe…maybe she didn't want to be there anymore. She was there when I woke up last time. Maybe that was it for her. I sigh and I know exactly where she is._

_I see her crumpled form laying on a gurney in the tunnels. Her chest is heaving and I hear her crying. My heart immediately breaks for her. I know that if the roles were reversed…that I'd be doing the same thing. I'd be worse off, though, I'd be over at Joe's in a drunken haze because the fact that for the second time my person had beaten death would definitely call for drinking. I lift myself onto the gurney next to her. I can hear her crying cease and she seems to calm down a little. She quickly sits up and looks around._

"_I'm right here Cris. I'll always be here," I say softly as I wrap my arms around her. A few tears escape my eyes as I say that…I hope that I'll wake up soon. I hope that this nightmare or whatever the hell it is—ends soon._

_----------------------------------------------------------_

**School is kicking my ass and it was only my first day back. So updates aren't gonna be as frequent in here. But...if I get good reviews...that could possibly sway me to write. And it would be a welcome relief from the speeches and papers I already have to do. **


	6. Broken

_I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way_

_And I'm hanging on to the words you say_

_You said that I will be okay_

Bailey looks at me and then back at Meredith. She clears her throat and explains who we are to her. She still doesn't recognize us and it kills me. I hear a commotion out in the hall and look up to see her friends standing in the doorway. She turns to face them and her face is blank.

"Hey Mer, you feeling okay?" Izzie's tone is optimistic and I can't take it anymore. I need to get out of the room before I lose composure. I squeeze past them and run into the nearest on call room.

I punch the pillow in frustration. I didn't even go near the temporal lobe, so why is she forgetting everything? I sigh loudly and lay back on the bed. This was not what I was expecting. I would take her running away from me and avoiding over her not remembering me…or us.

------------------------------------

"I'm fine, but who are all of you?" I look back at the perky blonde and see her expression change.

"Meredith, it's us….it's Izzie," she says slowly.

I try as hard as I can to remember, but that only makes my head hurt worse. I wonder where that cute guy went since he left here in a bit of a rush. What was his name again….oh right Doctor Shepherd. But wait…if he was a doctor, then why was he in street clothes? And sitting by my bed and holding my hand? Are we together? Ughh all these questions are so not good for this headache.

"I'm…I'm sorry I don't…" I shake my head at them. They all look back at me sadly. Doctor Bailey clears her throat again and turns to them.

"Don't you have patients to check on? Move!"

The four of them scatter in different directions. She sits on the end of my bed and looks up at me.

"Meredith…this is gonna be hard for you to hear. But you were in a serious car accident 3 days ago. You have very extensive injuries and are recovering from brain surgery. And I have no idea why you can't remember anything. It's probably just temporary so in a few days after the swelling in your brain goes down…you might be able to remember."

"I…I was in a car accident?" I choke out. This is almost too much to hear.

She nods slowly, "You had an intraventricular hemorrhage. Der…Doctor Shepherd removed it and you should be alright barring any complications."

"Doctor Bailey…what is Doctor Shepherd to me? Why was he in here holding my hand? And why was he the one who operated on me?" I need to know the truth here.

"He's…he um…he's just overly concerned. He wanted to make sure you were alright. Most IVH patients don't make it so he came in and checked on you a lot. And we all work together so seeing one of our own is really tough. Especially since this is the second time you've almost died on us," she says with a light chuckle. Her pager starts going off and she excuses herself from the room.

She pokes her head back in though, "You tell anyone I was soft…well…I'll make residency more of a hell for you Grey," she smiles and then is gone.

Let's review. Okay so I'm a doctor here. Doctor Shepherd is apparently way too involved with his patients…although I would enjoy getting involved with him in another way. I mentally smack myself…that was just wrong. Having sex with the doctor that operated on your brain…that's not totally wrong, is it? But there's something about his eyes that's familiar…and it's bugging the shit out of me. I shrug to myself and lay back and close my eyes.

-------------------------------------

_I can see Derek lying broken on the bed. I wish I could touch him so he would feel me, but I know it won't work. I curl up against him and I feel his breathing slow. I smile to myself because he's finally fallen asleep after all the tossing and turning. _

"_I love you Derek. I love you so fucking much. I'm sorry…I'm sorry for everything," my eyes well up but I continue, "I never meant to be that nasty. I never meant to say all those things. I was just angry that you kissed her. I know that it was before I told you that I wanted us to be exclusive and I'm sorry. And I wish you could hear me right now…telling you all this. I heard what you said to me in the OR Derek and what you said when you first saw me. You shouldn't be the only guilty party. We both made mistakes. And if I ever get my memory back…I'm telling you the truth. _

_I'll tell you everything you want to hear. I've been so fucking stupid and I've been wasting time. When Addison came…it changed me. It changed who I was. Right after you changed me completely. You made me feel things that I never felt before. I gave up thinking on my happy ever after a very long time ago, but when I met you…I believed in it again. I believed that you were the one…I still think you are. You're it for me. And if I never wake up…if I never get my memory back…please please don't give up on me. I could never truly leave you Derek. I'm always here with you," I say as I nuzzle into his neck. _

_He shivers and mumbles something incoherently. I prop myself up on my elbows and look at his face. He's talking, but I can't hear him. I lean in closer and my heart stops._

"_I love you too Meredith. So much."_

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**Alrighty…I know this is terribly short, but I felt that where I ended it was perfect. I'll probably update a few more times this weekend. Review even if you hate it…or if you want to see certain things happen lol.**


	7. A walk through Hell

** I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes**

**These soles are useless without you**

**Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;**

**My soul is useless without you...**

_I'm standing in my hospital room staring at my body in the bed. I need to get back into my body; I need to remember my family. I want to say all the things I need to say to Derek. I can't change him by never regaining my memory. I'm not trusting…I get it. But I can trust myself that this is a good idea. I can no longer keep building walls up against Derek. Yes, he has hurt me. Yes, he's lied to me. But he's right…I can't trust anyone. I can't trust and that's why I run. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I don't want to run…I want my happily ever after._

_I can see my body shifting in the bed. The eyes open and stare directly at me and I stare back. I think I can see me…as weird as that sounds. I take a deep breath, hopefully I can hear me too._

_"Look…I need to get back in there. I need to remember Derek and my friends."_

_"Why? It'd be better this way. You'd be able to start fresh, no guilt. You and Derek can truly start over. You wouldn't remember the pain he caused you and you could be bright and shiny. Don't you see? Don't you understand?"_

_I grit my teeth, "Of course I fucking understand! The pain is there for a reason, it reminds me everyday of my mistakes. From those mistakes I grow and learn not to make them again! I can't just stand by and watch as you can't remember…it kills me. I want to remember Derek. I love Derek. He's…he's the reason why I lived the first time and he's the sole reason why I'm alive this time. He saved me. And now I need to save him. You need to let me do that."_

_I see myself consider this a minute, "Fine. He's been through enough hell."_

_I smile slightly and walk towards the bed. I have no idea how to do this, but I climb in the bed and lay down. I close my eyes tightly, hoping it worked. Soon exhaustion overwhelms me and I'm fast asleep_.

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I wake up and look around. I don't even remember how I got into the on call room. I run my hands through my hair as I look at the clock on the wall. It's almost 4 in the morning. I stretch before getting up. I can't believe I actually slept. I hadn't slept like that since my last sleep over at Mer's. I sigh as I pull on my sweater and I make my way to her room.

I see that she's asleep, but I go in anyways. Even if she's not truly here…I need to be. I take her hand in mine and brush a strand of hair off her face. Her nose scrunches up, but she remains asleep.

"God…please let her remember. I know this is selfish, but I need her to remember. I can't see her this broken…this hurt and know that yet again I've caused it. Please God just bring her back to me. I need to hear her giggle and see the sparkle in her eyes again. I love her so much it hurts and this kills me. I need to know I've saved her. I need to know that there's hope for us. I need to know that I made a terrible decision and that she can fight me on it. But this hurts the most…it hurts worse than her actually being dead for hours. So please…just let her remember," I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles lightly.

I look at her face for any signs of her waking up and there's nothing. She's still snoring lightly and her breaths are even. But I can see her scrunching her nose again and that makes me wonder. She always did that when she was waking up and she always played the fake snoring card when I would say something to her. I cock my head to the side and watch her slowly open her eyes. I immediately notice a change in them.

"Doctor…um…Shepherd, right?" There's a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Mer? Do you need anything?"

"How come you're in here?"

"Umm…I'm just checking in. Can I get you anything?"

I see her rub her nose before turning back to me.

"Yeah can you uh…can you get me a book to read? I'm bored."

"Sure. Is a magazine alright?"

"Nah. I think I want um…_The Sun Also Rises_. Oh! And some coffee ice cream," she says with a giggle.

My heart skips a beat. Does she remember?

"Meredith…do you remember?"

She bites her lower lip and I have my confirmation.

"Maybe?"

I smile at her and fight the urge to kiss her. After a few seconds of staring into her eyes, I throw caution to the wind and capture her lips. I feel her hesitant at first, but she soon give into the kiss. I feel her fingers at the nape of my neck and I shiver. Just as I was about to deepen it, I hear someone clearing their throat. We both pull away quickly and turn our direction to the doorway.

"I see Grey has her memory back. Either that or you're taking advantage again," Mark has a smirk on his face.

"No Mark…I'm back. At least I think I am," she giggles. Thank God she's back.

----------------------------------

Mark's just left the room and it's just me and Derek. I don't know what to say to him. I could say that I'm sorry, but I don't know what I'd be sorry for. It wasn't my fault that I crashed my car…oh God…my baby. Meredith it doesn't matter…you're alive, remember? You can get another car. Alright what do I tell him? The silence between us is deafening. He's the first to break it.

"Mer…I love you."

I close my eyes and sigh.

"I know Derek. I…I love you too. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," a few tears escape my eyes.

"It's alright. You're back with me…its okay. I'm the one who should be sorry. I've always hurt you and you're broke because of me. You can't trust because I pulled the rug out. It's just…I'm sorry for everything. I just want us to be okay again."

"What about Rose?"

"Rose was never anything Mer. It's always been you. She was a mistake. I love you and I couldn't ever love somebody else as much as I love you," his eyes are sparkling and I smile back at him.

I start to feel a little light headed and I close my eyes. I bring my hand up to knead my temples.

"Mer…are you alright?"

"Yeah fine. I think I'm fine. Dizzy."

My head feels like it's on fire, but maybe it's just because of the surgery. I open my eyes again and the room's spinning. I see spots and the blackness slowly creeping in.

"No…Derek…not fine," I say just before blacking out.

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**So any reviews this time? I got hardly any last chapter. Sorry this has taken so long, but school's been kicking my ass.**


	8. Burning

I open my eyes slowly, but the brightness of the room makes me shut them. I hear someone talking, but they sound a million miles away. The room slowly comes into focus and I see Derek hovering by the end of the bed. I see worry written all over his face as he meets my eyes. The corners of his mouth turn upward, but the smile dies before it reaches his eyes.

"Hey," it feels as if my tongue weighs a ton. He walks closer to me and grasps my hand securely in his, it fits so perfectly.

"Mer…God you scared me," he says breathlessly. I look into his eyes and see tears forming slowly at the corners. I entwine our fingers and tighten my grip on his hand.

"I-I…Derek what happened?" My breath hitches in my throat as I await the answer. He hesitates. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it.

"It's alright…I can take it," my voice doesn't exactly validate my bravery.

"You um…you have…"

He struggles to find the words and to keep his emotions in check. A few tears, however, do slide down his cheeks. He draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly before looking at me.

"The CT scan showed that you have residual bleeding from the surgery."

"Okay…that's not so bad Der. You can fix it right?" I hear my voice quiver and I hate that I can't control it.

"It's uh…."

The door bangs open and I jump at the sound. I see Cristina standing there, hands on her hips, with a pissed off look on her face.

"You," she glances over at Derek, "get out now!"

"Cristina! Stop it!"

"No Mer, I don't want him in here. It takes you almost dying…again…for him to even show the slightest bit of concern!" Her voice is getting louder and her eyes narrow at Derek.

"He's not leaving," I say stubbornly. "So whatever the fuck your problem with Derek is, get over it. I'm sick of you always trying to protect me from him. I LOVE him! Yes, he's hurt me more times than I care to count, but I still love him. Why can't you see that? You continually tell me that I'm better off without him. But Cristina…without him I can't breathe. Without him…I don't want to wake up in the morning. Without him…I'm not me. It may make me weak and pathetic…but damnit let me be happy!" I huff as I cross my arms against my chest.

She stares blankly back at me, her jaw is gaped open. Good I've finally rendered her speechless. She nods slowly and backs out of the room.

----------------------------------------

Derek is just standing there. He's looking at the spot once occupied by Cristina with a shocked expression. I giggle lightly and that seems to snap him back into reality.

"Did you seriously just do that?"

"Yep, that just happened," I giggle again. It feels good to finally speak up.

"Holy shit," he chuckles and shakes his head. Suddenly he tenses up and looks sadly at me.

"Meredith…serious now. The bleeding is in a really tough spot. I don't know…"

He stops and swipes at his eyes. I never see Derek this vulnerable. I've never even seen him cry. It scares me to see him break down like this. Tears well up in my eyes as I wait for him to finish.

"I don't know what the outcome of another surgery would be. I don't know how to approach it. I don't know…" he sniffles, "I don't know what to do," tears are streaming down his face now.

My back stiffens as he talks. He doesn't know what to do. Hell, I wouldn't know what to do either. The only solace I can offer him at the moment is pulling him towards me into a hug. I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my head in his chest. I feel the sob building and when it finally comes out, it shakes the both of us. I reach up and massage the back of his scalp. I feel him start to take slower breaths and he pulls away, but our faces are millimeters apart. I see the sadness in his eyes and he can see the fear in mine. I press my forehead against his and kiss him lightly.

I gasp as I suddenly feel his cold hands on either side of my face. He uses this to his advantage and pushes his tongue inside my mouth. I moan as I feel our tongues mesh and battle for power. I wrap my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss further. Without breaking the kiss he maneuvers in the bed so he's straddling me. His fingers travel down to the hem of the hospital gown and no sooner do they graze my skin, someone clears their throat. God damnit! Hospital doors really do need locks.

Derek dismounts me quickly and takes back his seat next to my bed. His face is crimson, which probably matches my own, and I can't help but giggle. I turn my head to see Bailey standing there with a hand on her hip.

"Really?! You fools can't be left alone, can you!? Derek, that consult is here."

I turn my head so fast, I think I get whip lash. Consult? Why the hell would he need a consult?

"Ahh right, is he with you?"

A man comes wobbling into the room next to Bailey. He looks rough, but maybe it's the cane. Derek goes over and they shake hands and then they turn to me.

"Meredith this is Gregory House. He's going to help me with your surgery."

I look at him and then at House. House strikes me as someone who's a hard ass. He hobbles over to the side of my bed and looks at me. I feel uncomfortable and break the eye contact.

"So when's this surgery?" I ask.

"We were hoping for tonight, but I have plans with an old friend. Or as I like to call him…vicodin," he says with a grin as his eyes travel down to my chest.

I clear my throat and glare at him. He shrugs.

"What? Admiration is another form of flattery," he cocks an eyebrow at me and turns to leave the room. Once he's out I groan and lean back in my bed.

"He's gonna be fan-freaking-fabulous to work with. If all he does is stare at my boobs…I will…I will….Ugh damnit I can't even think coherently enough to think of a witty punishment."

This was going to be hell. Absolute hell. I was burning. Apparently something I've done is coming back to bite me in the ass. If I survived this, Derek would feel the burn.


	9. Yesterday

[i Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be

There's a shadow hanging over me

Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say

I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday [/i

House is assisting me in Meredith's surgery. We're trying our best, but the operation isn't going so smoothly. She's coded twice and each time it felt as if a small part of me died as well. However, I work quickly and diligently. I need to get out of this OR, I need to get away from the fact that the love of my life's life is in my hands…again. The first time I emotionally removed myself. This time…the mere fact that the bleeding is such a tough spot…totally shakes my psyche. I can't be Derek Shepherd the world renowned neurosurgeon in this OR.; I'm reduced to a quivering and hesitant boyfriend or ex boyfriend or whatever the hell I am, who's currently running on autopilot.

As I start suctioning out the blood, her BP bottoms out. My heart begins to pound relentlessly against my chest…I can't lose her now. Not after all this. I hand everything over to House and back away from the table, I can't do this. I rip the gown off and toss it into the bin. I walk into the scrub room, snap my gloves off, and scrub out. I reach for a paper towel, but keep my eyes trained on Meredith. Her stats have somewhat stabilized and I can see House working on her. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep watching her crash and burn. I exit the scrub room and someone runs into me. I look up and I'm met by Cristina's tear streaked face. Seeing her emotional really makes everything seem more real, but I can't break down in front of her.

"Are you alright Dr. Yang?"

She chokes over a few words and some more tears escape her eyes. This is unfamiliar territory for me; she's always so hardcore and cold.

"I'm fi…" She can't even finish the statement because she completely breaks down. She collapses in my arms and I awkwardly rub her back.

"Cristina, she's gonna make it. She's beaten death before. What makes now any different?" The strength in my voice shocks me.

She pulls out of my arms and sniffles before looking up at me. I can see the sadness in her eyes as she searches mine.

"How can you be so sure Derek?"

"I have faith. I may have just ran out of her surgery in fear, but I have faith in her. Meredith's a strong woman and she'll get through this. You ran before when she drowned and I don't think you ever forgave yourself for it. So now you're letting your emotions get the best of you, something that never happens. This is good that you're letting these feelings surface Cristina, it's healthy. You don't need to bottle everything up all the time to be hardcore ya know. It's okay to cry. She's your person. I won't let anything happen to her," my voice shakes and she picks up on it immediately.

"Then why aren't you in there helping save her life?" She retorts back before walking away in the opposite direction.

I can't help her now. I've done all I can, both medically and emotionally. If I go back in there I'll only be hurting her. I run to the nearest on call room as quickly as I can. Once inside, I lock the door and slump down the wall immediately overcome with emotion. I realize that her life isn't mine to save. That she may never recover from this. That I could possibly lose the love of my life…forever.

-----------------------------------------

I'm crumpled in a ball against the door and I can't bring myself to leave the comfort of the on call room. I can break down in here. I don't want to be around anyone right now. I bring my hand up to wipe my face and I hear a light knock on the door. I sniffle in and try to dry my face quickly before opening the door. I sigh as I reach out and turn the handle. Mark ushers himself in quickly before anyone can see a disheveled McDreamy.

"Hey man uhhh…Mer…"

I can't look at him. I hear the pain in his voice and that scares me.

"Derek…she's not in good shape. House had to leave her skull cap off to relieve the pressure. Everything's riding on these next few days…" he trails off.

"Yeah…if she ever wakes up," I mutter darkly.

"Don't think like that Derek. Don't you fucking do this shit! You need to be strong for her! Meredith needs you. She fucking needs you and what do you do? You fucking walk out on her and break down. I understand that this is scarier than her drowning, but damnit! She needs you! So I came looking for you to tell you that things are worse than originally thought and that you should probably go sit with her. Tell her that you're there and that you won't leave again. She's in room 3498," he says as he gets up and leaves the on call room, slamming the door forcefully behind him.

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I sit there dumbfounded. Mark Sloan, manwhore extraordinaire, has just shown real emotion. He actually sounded like he…cared. What is going on with the people in this hospital? Wait, I know the answer to that one already, I'm not totally brainless. Meredith has strong connections with everyone she comes in contact with. I know that I need to be with her, but I don't want to break again in her presence. I saw the fear in her eyes when I told her I may not be able to control the bleeding. And I never want to see that kind of fear in her emerald eyes ever again.

Somehow I find strength to pull myself up off the on call room floor. I pull my lab coat on and wipe my face one last time before venturing out of my cocoon. My feet guide me to room 3498 automatically. Her room is right across from the nurses' station and I see her family standing there keeping vigil. They all seem to avoid my gaze and keep their eyes fixated on her door. I'm confused as to why it's closed, but that soon becomes apparent. Bailey and House exit the room with grim looks on their faces. Bailey even looks to have tears in her eyes. My heart sinks in my chest when I meet her eyes.

"Derek…we…."

I feel a buzzing at my hip. I silently curse the inopportune timing as I read the pager's message. There's a 911 in the pit that needs my urgent attention. I look up at Miranda with pleading eyes. She shakes her head sadly at me and my heart shatters.


End file.
